My Confession

As a non-Catholic, I've always found the practice of confession fascinating.  I mean, you're not just confessing to God.  You're spilling your most shameful secrets to another person!  As a child, I sometimes had a mean-spirited sense of smugness because that Catholic kid had to say "Hail Marys" and "Our Fathers" after they confessed, whereas I could just go on my merry way.  I had a lot of questions about the process of confession.  What if you say your confession and you're not really sorry?  Does the priest's blessing- "Go. Your sins are forgiven"- still absolve you?  What if you leave something out?  If you never tell the priest, is that sin ever forgiven?  Once or twice, when I felt particularly guilty about something I did, I envied the Catholic child's ability to go through the ritual of confession and actually hear a physical voice tell them, "do this, say this or that, and your sins are forgiven".  How did I know that I'd "done enough" to be forgiven?

In the last couple of months, God has blessed me with a hunger for prayer.  I feel like I'm constantly praying: for myself, for what I want, for others, for the person I want to be.  A couple of weeks ago, I was grappling with this question of who I want to be as I grow up in Christ, and I began to compare that future person with my past self.  I thought, "even if I don't know the exact parameters of who I want to be, at least I know who I do NOT want to be: me, three years ago".  I thought about the mistakes I had made, the pain I had caused myself and others, and I had a realization: I had never truly confessed the sins of my past.  In fact, I couldn't remember the last time (even among all this prolific prayer) I had been intentional about asking God's forgiveness for a specific action or sin.

I had taken a lot of steps since I committed my life to Christ last year.  I admitted that the Gospel is true, I admitted that Jesus was and is God and that he took on God's wrath for our shortcomings.  I dedicated myself to changing my life to fit those truths instead of twisting the truth to fit my life.  I often looked back upon my past actions with regret.  But the regret I felt was different from repentance.  My regretful musings often went like this: "it's too bad that I was so deceived and so stupid and immature when I did this or that.  Oh well.  There's no use going backward.  God will use that dark time in my life for a greater purpose in the future."  There was no plea for divine forgiveness.  What I experienced was closer to relief that my sin was behind me than true repentance.  But here's another truth that I see in the world every day: our sin is never behind us.  We struggle and we sin every day. Sin, repentance and forgiveness is not a one time deal; it's an ongoing cycle.

This is where the Catholic ritual of confession comes in.  I have several theological issues with Catholicism.  However, I've always admired  the intentionality of Catholic rituals.  These sacraments are based on scripture and have their foundations in Jesus' teachings.  What many call confession, the Roman Catholic church calls the Sacrament of Penance or the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  As Father Thomas Richstatter says, "the word reconciliation is rich in meaning. It suggests the gift of God's forgiveness and the removal of the barriers we place between ourselves, our community and our God. Reconciliation means the rebridging of the gap between God and us and between ourselves and others. It also suggests the deep peace that comes from being brought back into harmony with God, with sisters and brothers and with the whole of creation."  Catholics are exhorted to confess their sins in a ritualistic and repeated manner before they take communion.  In this way, the Church insists on intentionality when it comes to repentance.

I read today that fewer and fewer Catholic parishioners are partaking in the ritual of confession.  I believe also that there is a dangerous lack of emphasis on confession, repentance and reconciliation within evangelical circles.  As children, we're told that all we need to do is accept Jesus into our hearts and we are Christians.  We are told that God loves us no matter what we do. We're told that we should always strive to "do God's will for our lives".  I heard a song this morning on the radio on my way to church and it went something like this: "He's not mad at you.  He's not disappointed.  He is full of mercy and He is ever kind".  Those song lyrics, while comforting and warm and cozy, are simply not theologically accurate.  God IS mad at you when you sin.  Psalm 5:5 says "The arrogant cannot stand in your presence; you hate all who do wrong."  And how arrogant is it for us to believe that we can continue to sin in the presence of a divine and perfect God and his only response will be to beam down on us with love and kindness?  God gives us mercy, but only if we continually seek it.  Part of that process is confession and repentance.  1 John 1:9 sets forth a logical statement that we all should recognize for what it really is: a material conditional.  "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness".  God's forgiveness is conditioned upon our confession.

Every day, God reveals more of his truth to me.  Lately, he has impressed upon my heart the truth that I am sinful and rebellious by nature.  Born to wander.  Apart from Him, there is nothing good in me.  Which is why I am even more floored by the gift of his grace, even more amazed by his love for me.  I've also accepted the truth that my purpose on this earth is to glorify God.  Part of that is working every day to live a pure life.  When I fail (because I will fail), all I can do is prostrate myself in confession and repentance and pray that God will, once again, show me mercy.  His promise to us is that his mercy is unending.

Thank God for that.